Guys, I can't tell you how important tomorrow night is.
Well, apparently important enough to interrupt
A story about my workout.
I'm just excited.
It's my first Halloween in ten years without Cassie.
- Oh. - And since I don't have to
Hang out with her dumb friends this year,
I'm looking to blow it out with my dumb friends.
- We're dumb. - So what are we doing?
Well, as always, Annie, Dennah and I
Are going to the single greatest party of the year,
Halloween hella-rage,
Hosted by Tupac's hologram.
Zagat lovingly called it "a [bleep] damn mess."
Ooh, I'd love some feedback on my costume.
Two years ago I went as a slutty nurse,
And then last year I was a slutty judge,
But this year I'm just gonna cut out the middleman
- And go as a slut. - We got it.
- You hate your parents. - They're not great.
- So, Kay... - Yeah?
What do you got going on, and can non-lesbians attend?
Sticking with a classic. Trick or treating, costumes,
Fresh air, free candy,
Mike drop.
Both solid options,
But I got to go with Kay,
Mostly because I love candy,
But also partially because the last time
I went to a hip party, everybody thought I was the valet.
Long story short is the title of the short story
I wrote about that experience.
[doorbell rings] - oh, excuse me.
Oh. Hi, Julie... - just one second.
- I just have to do this. - Okay.
[phone buttons tapping]
Yeah, great. Hi, Annie.
I see you've grown that hair out.
A woman doesn't realize how big her head is
Till she gets a pixie cut so, lesson learned.
Lesson learned is what I was going to say.
What's happening here, a little vino in the afternoon?
- How decadent... I miss that. - Come on in.
It is so crazy that we're the same age.
- Are we? - Um hm.
- Uh huh. - Um hm.
- Um hm.
- I think you're mistaken.
- No, I'm not. - Okay.
I'm 100% accurate.
Because you have kids and you wear skirts
And you carry juice in your purse.
- So do you, baby girl. - I have blood sugar issues.
- Please stay out of this. - Okay, well,
Any beehoozal, me and the momz, m-o-m-z,
Are planning our yearly kids Halloween party down
In the building's rec room,
So we're having a planning slash mandatory safety meeting,
And I'm required by law to invite every tenant
Regardless of their inappropriate sex volume.
I'm a screamer. What can I say.
I was referring to Diane in 6b,
But good for you, Jake.
Okay. Well, anyway, I just sent you all the info.
You'll be sorely missed.
Well, we've got a lot going on.
[baby fussing] - oops, poops. Hold on.
Ow, he's got me there.
And... UN... Latch!
There we go.
All right, I've got to get Atticus changed,
And I've got to take the twins to sportscaster camp.
They're gonna meet Bob Costas.
So, fingers crossed... anyway, you were saying, I'm sorry.
Just that we're so busy, so...
[phone chimes] - I got an alert.
I've got to get this one on the other breast.
- Okay. Bye-bye. - Okay.
Ah, Julie.
She thinks she's so much better than us,
Like we're a bunch of trash.
[singsong] check it out.
I'm a slut!
[whistling]
- ♪ Oh, no ♪ - ♪ hey ♪
♪ Can't hold me back ♪
♪ Can't hold me back from you ♪
So, guys, how excited are you for hella-rage?
- Ah ha ha. - I'm gonna get
So [bleep] faced, I started taking
Antibiotics just to get ready. That's smart.
How are you a preschool teacher?
What can I say, I love kids.
I hear this year they're releasing
An authentic psychopath into the crowd at midnight.
- Yes. - Yeah!
That is so dangerous.
I was gonna say cool, but it's reckless.
- Very dangerous. - God,
Even the invitation is awesome.
I heard it's baby redwood.
Oh, so wasteful.
So cool. Wait, when did you get that?
A couple of weeks ago.
Didn't you guys get yours?
Oh, no, I did hear they were cutting back on the list
This year.
Right, right, right, right, right.
Right, right, right. [chuckling]
All right, nobody freak out.
I mean, chill, papi.
I'm sure ours got lost in the mail or something like that.
Don't you know the guy that runs the list?
- Kyle, yes, kyle. - Kyle.
I'll just give kyle a call,
Give him an old ring-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding
But my phone's not here. It's in the car.
And that's all right. I'll just call after lunch
Because, you know, or whenever,
Because I'm just chilling out with my peeps, enjoying...
Some horrible potato skins. Check, please!
I'm embarrassed.
Kyle, Ky, Ky guy, Ky I oughta,
Al-Ky-DA.
I'm sorry about that one.
Hey... huh? What the...
- Jake, what are we doing? - Well, I was doing
- Some pretty good name play. - No, I mean
What do you think about maybe not going
- To hella-rage this year? - Gasp.
I've been thinking about it a lot.
Haven't we outgrown anything
That has the word hella or rage in it?
Last year we took a nap before and during it.
But that party's all we've ever known.
I know, but it might be fun to do something new,
Like maybe a more grown up Halloween,
In our own building?
Okay, okay... I don't follow.
Well, last year when we were puking in that dumpster
Behind the Filipino mall, I looked up
And saw these kids in their costumes carrying candy,
And it looked really fun.
Oh...
That was pretty [bleep] cute.
Some of my favorite memories are from when I was little
And my dads did their haunted house.
All the neighbors said it was as scary as it was gay.
It seems like a pretty intolerant neighborhood.
Yeah, we had to move shortly thereafter.
Okay, shh. Everyone, shh.
Okay, it's starting. Shh.
Okay, here's shushing at you, Karen.
All right, now, trick or treating
Is allowed in your apartments
Between the hours of 7:00 and 9:00 P.M. Only.
As for costumes, nothing with weapons,
Gender neutral isn't required, but it is encouraged,
No ethnic costumes, no religious costumes.
It's not a costume.
Okay. All right.
Oh, Annie, what are you guys doing here?
What, did you get lost on your way to margarita ville?
Good one, Julie.
Great one, Jules, but no.
My fiance and I have decided to help with the building party,
And I think we've got the perfect idea.
Two words... "haunted house."
Two more words... "you're welcome."
Two additional words... "standing ovation."
Two words, one name.
- No way, Jose. - What?
- But it's a classic.
The kids will love it. So what were you thinking,
You're gonna peel a bunch of grapes and tell the kids
They're eating eyeballs? Now we're playing jazz.
Well, too bad grapes are a choking hazard.
Hazel in 4c can't handle large bites.
I mean, do you know C.P.R.?
She knows doggie C.P.R.
I've been the recipient of C.P.R.
She's a terrible swimmer.
Okay, well, bad news, you just murdered
- An eight-year-old. - What?
Kids these days, they don't like to be scared.
It's okay, Annie.
If you were a mom, you'd understand.
You know, you'd have something called maternal instincts.
I'm sorry, but no haunted house.
- But... - all right, thank you
So much, everybody.
Have a blessed afternoon.
And no trail mix this year, Lindsay.
Nobody wants nuts that people have touched.
Well, we tried, you know.
Quite honestly, I'm sick about it.
So what do you think we should do now?
Oh, hey, how about we go to that stupid hella-rage party
And lick our wounds-themed vodka jell-o shots?
- Should I call kyle? - Yeah, you call kyle.
You call kyle, real nice-like,
And tell him that we're hosting a haunted house in our apartment
'cause Julie's a bitch.
Well, I don't think kyle's
Gonna care about any of this building politics stuff.
I'm kidding. I support you.
So if stupid Julie shows up, she'll think
We're giving out candy, but...
- But behind this curtain lies a world of terror,
And a picture of my mom.
That's supposed to be on my nightstand.
Kids are literally gonna
Crap in their pants when they see this place.
Well, not literally, except for that kid on the fourth floor
Who's always crapping his pants.
- It's a baby. - Hm.
And that doesn't look like a person
Who died here as much as an adorable potato.
I'll take it.
So, Kay, my sweet friend whose name is also a letter,
I did a little research,
And I found the best trick-or-treat street in town.
I'm talking full-size candy bars.
They got so much candy
That the new England journal of medicine
Declared the whole neighborhood a diabetes cluster.
Wow. I've only dreamed of full-size bars.
I mean, I could always go buy one myself,
But candy's sweeter when you beg strangers for it.
I did take the liberty of grabbing a few costumes for us,
Because we do need ones
That obscure the fact that we are adults.
Oh-oh. Tall order.
I haven't seen you this excited
About anything since you discovered stone fruits
Well, I don't know, new me.
New Halloween.
Same old song, but I like to try on costumes too.
[bob seger's old time rock and roll plays]
Oh!
♪ ♪
♪ Just take those... ♪ [click]
Oh...
We would love for you to leave.
But I had a whole thing.
Get out.
This is the number one
Rated Halloween neighborhood in the city?
It doesn't even have scary decorations.
Yeah, but... Can't you feel the ghost
Of a once-vibrant middle-class community?
That last house didn't even know it was Halloween.
They gave us pickles, man.
Technically, they're gherkins.
Come on, Gil, this sucks.
Can we please go? I know a sweet street.
Let's go.
Wait, wait.
Okay, the truth is, this is Cassie's street.
No, I am not gonna help you stalk your ex-wife again.
I just want to check up on her.
I mean, I'm doing great,
But I hate to think of Cassie alone and sad on Halloween.
All right.
It's actually kind of sweet.
Be sure and say it like that when the police bring us in.
[organ music]
Place looks awesome, babe.
And great call on our costumes. Zombie I love Lucy.
Oh, Ricky, take me to the club, wash.
[as Jackie Gleason] - to the moon, Alice.
Wait, that's not Lucy and Ricky.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is. - You said the name Alice.
[doorbell rings] oh, show time!
Trick or treat?
Hey, boys and girls.
Come inside if you dare.
Moo ha ha!
Awesome!
[kids cheering]
This is so fun.
[as Jimmie walker] - dyn-o-mite, Lucy.
- Good times. - The best.
- So this is Cassie's house? - Yeah. So, you know,
I just want to be sure she's carving a jack-o-lantern
And not a wrist-o-lantern, you know.
- Then we'll be on our merry way. - Okay.
Okay. Go.
Hi. Kids: Trick or treat?
Aren't you kids adorable?
And... You two are big guns. Hormones in the milk.
- Where's the tequila, Cassie? - What?
In your butt?
Yeah, the tequila's in my butt.
Good one, Sharon. All right.
Happy Halloween, kids.
[party guests chattering]
This is great. Cassie's fine.
So we're all good then.
No, we're not all good then, Kay.
But why? Cassie's happy.
I thought that's what you wanted.
She's too happy.
She's having a party.
She's making tequila in the butt jokes with Sharon.
In the house that I bought for her with her money,
But I aillowed it on my computer
- That she bought me. - Huh?
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-hey. Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-hey.
[voice amplified] everybody grab two human eyeballs.
Give them to me and I'll cut them
Into non-chokable size pieces.
[laughter, chatter]
Charlie, Sadie... okay.
Monica, please. Come on,
- Get your hands in there. - Ooh!
Oh, guys, guys. It's 9:00.
You're supposed to be home five minutes ago.
Get out. All: Boo!
[chattering]
All right, ride that sugar rush.
- It doesn't last forever. - Amazing.
- So fun.
- [gasps] - oh, god!
- Come on in. - Buzz on in.
Wow. Hey, perfect costume, Julie.
You know, Annie and I are always
Talking about how you're such a "B."
- Well, I'd heard... - no, no, no.
You're an exceptional "B."
Okay, get it. I got it the first time.
You're a straight up "B."
You know, I had heard rumors,
But I didn't think you'd dare.
A haunted house?
Okay, there's no reason to get mad.
The kids had a blast. There's no big whoop.
No, no, no, big whoop. Huge whoop.
I see 11 choking hazards in my eye line alone.
Something bad could have happened.
But it didn't.
I guess you were wrong about what kids like
And who is the knower of such things, vis-a-vis, me.
In conclusion... Uh, face!
Oh, come on, Annie, do not rub it in her uh, face!
Okay I get it, I have a face.
Yeah, we might see each other in the hallways...
- Uh, face! Uh, face! - Uh, face!
- Face! - Okay, that's enough.
There's no way you can do a fourth one.
Uhhhhhh... Face!
See, it wasn't as funny.
Get me out of this house of horrors.
Ooh, shutting down Julie
Has made Lucy want to visit little Ricky.
Waaah! Little Ricky's your penis.
How about above-average Ricky?
You know, just for my confidence.
[phone rings] - oh, that's Dennah.
She's been calling all night.
- Let me grab this. - Ah, phones, am I right?
This generation, are we more connected,
- Or less connected. - Hello?
Annie, finally, good news.
I ran into Jake's friend, kyle
And he said that you guys were invited.
Come now, it's super fun.
Oh, Dennah says we can come to the party now,
If we want to.
Nah, I'm over it.
Yeah? Me too.
Sorry, Dennah, but we're over it.
I'm over it too. It's freaking horrible.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
And I know how it's gonna sound,
But it's so loud in here.
- It's just so loud. - Oh, sweetie.
These people are way too drunk, it's absolutely freezing,
And the worst part is,
There are two other girls wearing my costume.
I'm in hell... can I come hang out with you guys?
Oh, my god. We would love that,
But it's gonna be hard for you to find a cab,
And we're about to have sex. And that cab thing.
But I hope your night turns around.
Yeah, I don't think it will,
'cause my ex-boyfriend just showed up.
- Drama! - Hey, derrick.
Oh, my god. I never knew that your boobs
Were two different sizes.
It looks like that one ate all the other one's food.
I'm so hungry. High five. Do you have any D batteries?
I need a D battery, if you know what I mean.
What? Work, work, drama, drama, drama.
Split!
How did I not know you were gay?
Hey, we are seriously a next level couple.
I mean, we just crushed adult Halloween on the first try.
Come here, little Ricky.
Hi, I'm mason.
Oh, my god!
Tell me another ghost story.
No, no, no, no, no, party's over.
- You got to go. - Never!
Let's have a sleepover!
Ooh, no.
[making robot noises]
What level of whoop
- Would you say this is? - Medium to big.
All right, Robo boy, party's over.
Tell us where you live.
We've got to get you home.
No, I want to stay.
Give me more eyeballs.
Well, I'm out of ideas.
Jake, if tonight has taught us anything,
It's that I'm kind of really great with kids.
I speak their language. I got this.
20 bucks? - 12-h.
Let's roll.
Wait, there's no 12-h. Where's 12-h?
Ha, ha!
Oh, come on!
This kid's been yanking us around by our yohnsons.
He's just having fun. That's what kids do.
All right, buddy, that was really funny stuff,
But you got to tell us where you live now for reals.
I don't want to. I want to go back
To the haunted house here with red.
Oh, stop. [giggling]
Stop it.
Listen up, haunted houses are for kids
Who tell the truth and ghosts with unfinished business.
Okay, Jake, I think it's time for daddy to play bad cop.
Ah ha ha ha.
[clicks tongue] [chuckles]
How you doing, kid? You good?
Is it too hot in there for you? You sweating?
Because you're really gonna be sweating in a second,
You little punk... you better tell me where you live.
- Where do you live? - I'm sorry.
I don't live in this building.
I live at the end of the block.
Okay, that's okay. Thank you.
Okay, we're gonna get you home right now,
And I'm sorry that that scary man was so surprisingly literal.
That was insane.
Let's roll, part two.
Back to the minors.
- [making robot sounds] - enough robot, okay?
Halloween's done for you.
Hey, baby girl.
Jeez!
How many pickles did he give you?
This one's from home.
Okay. All right.
Talk to me, daddy man.
Come on.
It's just not fair, you know?
I mean, it's like the divorce didn't affect Cassie at all.
She gets everything. She gets the house.
She gets to be happy. She even gets to hand out candy
From our novelty scary hand candy bowl that I bought.
I'm the one that fell down by the ice machine at rite-aid
And settled out of court for a $12 gift card.
It's my bowl.
Oh, lady bug, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you were hurting so much.
I know everyone always thinks I'm flying so high,
But in reality, I'm flying real low.
Dangerously low.
Like an upskirt drone.
I hear you, buddy.
You know what I'm gonna do? Steal my bowl back for me?
I was gonna say take you trick or treating,
Which is what I've been trying to do all night,
But if getting this bowl back means this much to you,
Then I am in.
- Thanks, Kay. - Yeah.
You know what, while you're up there,
She's also got this katana blade of mine that I'm really...
- Mason, I don't get it, where's your house?
[chuckles] I live in that dumpster.
Oh, fool me twice.
Okay, you know what, just give us one sec, okay?
Ooh, this is great! Did we somehow
Just back in to kidnapping this kid?
I hope he doesn't have any Liam neeson types in his family.
- It's not great. - What are we gonna do?
We got to call Julie.
Honestly, I don't know what else to do... we asked him.
We yelled at him. We bribed him.
And as much as it pains me to admit it,
Julie will know how to fix this.
And then we'll have to move, because she's never gonna
Let me forget it.
[whispering] I hate... Julie.
Why do you care so much about what Julie thinks?
Because some part of me looks up to her.
I mean, she's the super mom,
And I don't know the first thing about that stuff,
And maybe I never will.
Hey, what are you talking about?
You're gonna make a great mom.
How do you know that? What if Julie's right?
What if I don't have maternal instincts?
I tried to throw a haunted house
And I ended up snatching a kid, Jake.
What? You're crazy.
The reason that kid doesn't want to go home
Is he's having too much fun with you.
Mason loves you.
Just like our kid is gonna love you.
And making a kid love you
Is the most important thing about being a mom.
Actually, I think they say loving them
Is the most important thing, but thank you.
- Thank you. - So, you want me to call Julie?
Yeah.
Wait, I think I've got a faster way to get this kid home.
Just follow my lead, okay?
All right, buddy boy. Good night!
You just run on up to your house,
And we're gonna scoot.
Night-night.
Wait. You're leaving me here?
Yeah, well, of course.
This is where you live. Silly goose.
Don't let the cockroaches bite.
No, wait!
I don't live here. I live in your building.
Apartment 8-a. I'm sorry I lied.
- Please don't leave me. - Aw, little cutie.
- I'm sorry I lied. - Okay, don't worry about it.
We're gonna get you home right now, you little scooter.
That was impressive. How'd you know that would work?
I don't know. I just kind of felt it.
When you said he loved me, I realized there's nothing
More powerful than withholding love.
Oh, you are gonna make a great mom.
Hey, back for more candy?
No, I just, uh...
- See ya! - Hey!
I said, see ya!
How are you this strong?
Take the candy, but leave the bowl.
No! My husband bought me that bowl.
[voice echoes] bowl... Bowl... Bowl...
Oof!
[gasps]
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
I was wrong.
Cassie is hurting too.
I owe ya.
Wow. Thank you, whoever...
You are...
Who was that masked ginormous child
That reeks of pickles and Michael Jordan cologne?
Wait...
- Oof! - Ugh!
No, it couldn't be.
[whining] ow...
All right, sweetie. [door-bell rings]
End of the line, you little booger eater.
Oh, my god!
Mason, thank god!
Julie's your mom?
That explains why he didn't want to go home.
Okay, what are you two doing with my son?
Okay, it's a long story. Jake lured him
- Into our place with candy. - In my defense,
It was supposed to be a secret.
We didn't even know he was there until we
- Started undressing. - Okay, that's it.
I'm calling the cops.
No, wait, mom.
It's not their fault. It's mine.
I wouldn't tell them where I lived.
I wanted to stay with them because they're so much fun.
Told you.
Oh, really?
Well, you are in a lot of trouble, mister.
So you get inside and you start practicing that mandarin.
I wish Annie and Jake were my mom.
[speaking foreign language]
[gasps] [door slams]
What does that mean?
Die, white devil. [ahem]
He's going through a phase.
But thank you very much for bringing him home.
I'm sure you want to gloat, so you can just go ahead.
I have a face in the chamber. Just give me the green.
Stand down, Jake.
Listen, Julie.
Look, if it makes you feel any better,
I hated my parents when I was his age,
But now we are closer than ever.
Actually, it does make me feel better.
Happy Halloween
Wow babe. You're just like Oprah
You don't have any kids of your own
But you tell everybody else what to do with theirs.
Aw, you should put that in your vows
You are working on those, right?
No
[as Gary Coleman] What you talking about, Lucy?
Oh, different strokes